Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Randomize
