I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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