I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
