Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
