how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
