What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
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