I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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