i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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