porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
