i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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