god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Randomize
