My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
