remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
