just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize