i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
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