You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
