so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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