Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
