We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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