If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
