just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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