I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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