he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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