threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
