I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
