he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize