the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
