I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
