Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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