They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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