I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Randomize
