dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
they're like a gay fantastic four
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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