When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
