May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
