I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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