Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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