Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize