You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
