I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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