There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
