This is not my ceiling
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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