so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
