i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
