Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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