Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
