I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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