Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I still have a little drunk in my system
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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