How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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