I think I died a long time ago.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
