I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
