He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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