literally had 100 drinks last night.
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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