then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize