I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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