Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
