She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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