Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
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