Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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