Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize