How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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