woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
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