so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
