It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize