I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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