Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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