My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
