pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
