the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
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