I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
