New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
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