I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
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